When I escape

Knots in the throat
At the point of overwhelm
And when I should be crying out
I am programmed to go quiet

Being vocal about my feelings and needs
Is not something that is easy for me
Let alone realising it internally for myself...

Krishna
I rely on him to show me the mirror
When I evade seeing my own truth
Krishna
The one who makes it easy
For me to face the crux of matters
And thus be released from their choking grip
Krishna
The one I believe sees without needing to be shown
The one who listens without needing to be told
The one who shows up without me even knowing I wanted somebody to...

Oh how then can I seek this in a person
When I myself am unable to be so
What then do I seek from a person
When I wish to connect with them
Who then may I be
When I choose to be with another
Why then do I yearn to be with
When I know its improbabilities
Where then do I draw the line
When I seek to know another
When then do I stop
When I come upon a block...

Questions
With no readymade answers
And this is why I gotta live them
That I may know
And perhaps discover a world real
Beyond the limits of my imagination...

Not my Load

'Ah that was quite rude!
'She shouldn't have spoken that way..
'He could've said the same thing so much more politely..
'I wonder how her words impacted them..
'Can he not be more considerate in choosing his words?
'I wonder how I can communicate this..
'I wonder if I could've done something to avoid this...
'I wonder if she can take it..
'I wonder if he will understand..
'I wonder if...
'I wonder..
'I.

Not my Load.



Such is the state of unsolicited absorbing thoughts which tend to have a grip on me at times and graduate to choke my space with things beyond my control; except until very recently (day before yesterday) when I became aware of this and three words rang loud and clear: NOT MY LOAD.

This came as a natural consequence of giving the Universe a tiny thought: 'Could you take care of this?' And there arose a deep knowing: 'HECK YEAH!'



When I see another behave irrationally or rudely or irresponsibly, I tend to get into an intense thought process of how it could have been better or how I may communicate the unfair behavior to the person in question, only to then feel heavy about it all.

Who am I?
With my limited reach, what do I expect to be able to do except only worrying and wasting precious energy over an otherwise non-issue?
 
Not my Load.
The Universe is there for all of that, so I softly let the heaviness slide off of me into the care of the Universe.



This episode with a sweeping sense of relief, shattered my slippery sense of control over events that arise out of others' actions and the slippery sense of control I try to exert in trying hard to soften assumed consequences. Not my Load.

Three words, that make me instantly drop such draining series of thoughts and realise that the Universe (sum of all of us) has a capacity far greater, far clearer and far far more benevolent than I could ever imagine to achieve so I might as well relax and drop all such proud tomfoolery and learn to let every person carry their own load, a load which they may or may not notice, a load that I may only be conjuring up and as such every load that I may trust the Universe to take care of in any case. Because Universe has its ways to distribute the load and exert it in places where in actuality it can cause reform exactly when it is meant to.

Thank you.

So every time that we may find ourselves getting caught up in a stream of thoughts beyond our purview, remember to say: Not my Load, and pour them smilingly into the Universe's care :)



Psychic Knowing

Hello!
This post is inspired by a cognizance of a recovery of something I choose to at this moment call Psychic Knowing.

So. To have a context to understand where this comes from and where it perhaps may go, I have been on a pseudo-break from the usual occupation that kept me sapped in time and energy for the large part of every week. With time I sensed something amiss, essentially in my own capacity to be large hearted or large minded in dealing with moments of stress. Yes, stress became a large part of my life in every way possible and I did not realise that I was letting it remain. Somewhere I came to understand that I needed the time and space to distance myself a bit and have the energy to deal with things healthily. Burnout? I was on the way. Time for a Brake!

The urge for a break became too intense to be delayed or even managed and here I am at the other side of the stipulated period- I was asked many a times what was my plan next and all I said was for two months I shall do nothing. Innately I knew I had to let myself ease a bit so the daily habitual schedule of almost three and a half years could recede a bit so I may then find some space that I may call free that could naturally help me be able to connect with the unadulterated me or the universe (same thing?).

Exactly a day after the stipulated two months of so-assumed do-nothing period, which was the day before yesterday, I had a breakthrough (immense gratitude to the energies that be) which I call so, for the basic fact that I found myself able to connect in essence with select texts that I spontaneously picked in resonance with the highest sense of me that I at the moment seem to be consciously developing. Please note that I sense at this moment, that all these limitations of time and thoughts are a construct to be able to experience the magic of existence in this beautiful concoction of life on planet earth and also that I do not think I am confident yet of being ambitious beyond a safe limit.

So without further ado, let me share at least two clear moments of Psychic Knowing that I have had the experience of becoming cognizant of to start with.

One, a week ago, when a certain friend who had been suffering from suicidal thoughts left messages of goodbye and I freaked out thinking she was upto something but having no way to do anything I resigned myself to thoughts of helplessness. On the other hand, my inner self was very calm, I did not FEEL helpless or WORRISOME and if I had gone by that inner knowing I wouldn't even have had those thoughts. I remember even clearly remarking that internally I don't sense any unsettling foreboding. The same was proved within two days when she called up and in fact sounded very healthy and happy and went a step further to remind me that I needed to first take care of myself and learn to say no when I clearly cannot attend to something. This truly helped me so much and I almost daily send out a note of thanks to her and imagine myself writing to her of my daily improvement in this regard. I'm still just getting there so I will let it arise when it most naturally does! This knowing is something I precisely stopped having any sense of, with very little to no time spent on any kind of reflection or cognizance of my internal world- basically exactly what I found myself missing and lacking in increased degree.

Two, just yesterday, when I got a message requesting-summoning me to the office the next day. (I am minimally engaged still for reasons aplenty but in a measured way) I found the message very cryptic for lack of context and found myself getting into worrisome and indignant thoughts as to why and for what and went on to ask about the same and worrying until the response came an hour or two later. AGAIN, the internal me somewhere resounded cheerily that it must be related to the son but I was so harrowed out of habit- something I developed towards that space (out of my own lack of self-maintenance) that I could not come to really trust and accept it. Ofcourse, when the response came, the message was indeed as an invitation for the celebration of the birthday of the son! If I had been calmer and allowed myself to even consider the inner knowing, I would've easily seen and realised that it was his date of birth after all!

So I am seeing that essentially what I missed was THIS connection. With the daily jog of life, I had ended up becoming so absorbed in gross matters that seemed endless and tiring, that I simply found myself unable to access that source of inner knowing, the universe, the god, the magic, the joy, whatever you wish to call it; the lack of which in essence, rendered anything I did or any moment of my life meaningless- THIS surely was a knowing I witnessed for almost a year and a half as I watched myself falling gradually into the abyss and saw myself becoming less and less of me; but a slide that I cut at the moment beyond which I knew it would take much much more to recover- for I have been there before and have no intention or need of re-experiencing it. Well, I hope the next time around I am more cognizant of such tendencies and with lesser attachment to my own word, I can cap it more immediately.

I have just begun back on the path of trusting the universe in surrender with a measured amount of conscious action and I wish to mark this post as a sign of those sparks of reconnection. I find myself able to begin to get a grasp onto the thoughts I hold within me like a toddler that begins to learn to hold things and get a grip on them. Dexterity. Dexterity of the mind is a skill I wish to cultivate. I noted a very fleeting cognizance of how my participation in every moment was so crucial and how in my tire-ridden-sleep-infused-daily-existence, I had merely become a powerless spectator in the tiniest of moments which in turn generated feelings of helplessness and meaninglessness; that in not responding fully to any comment or thought directed at or around me, I was letting it remain and fester and cause damage; WHICH if I only acknowledged and addressed Aikido-style in that very moment, it would transform into something more nourishing and life-giving rather than life-sucking. Wow. Thank you, Universe and all the energies that be.

I must share that I have been also reading a book at a snail pace which again I found myself to deeply begin to connect with (and I have only just gone beyond the halfway mark by the way) since just day before yesterday, my so-alluded day of recovery! Therein I have been fortunate enough to find my fill of pointed answers to intermittent questions born of some or the other altercation with another. So allow me a moment of immense gratitude to the Autobiography Of A Yogi, by Paramhansa Yogananda and all the masters whose prowess and magnanimous deeds fill the pages of the book with notable mention of Sri Yukteshwar, Lahiri Mahasaya, Trailanga and without doubt the author self of Paramhansa Yogananda. A chapter at a time, I hope to imbibe the wisdom woven through the pages and internalise it for posterity, of course only with the blessings of the masters _/\_

In essence, I am in the process of allowing the clutter of gross thoughts to clear so I may tune back into the ever present messages and guidance of the universe that hold us all lovingly and patiently in every moment (*)

If this post resonates with you, I'd be glad to hear from you about your own ways to stay connected to the essence of life and all that nourishes you and helps you stay ever-awesome.



Kriya Yoga

The following text is an excerpt from 'Autobiography of a Yogi' by Paramhansa Yogananda. His elaboration on his Guru Sri Yukteshwar's workings and thoughts are something truly delightful and worthy of admiration _/\_

"Kriya Yoga is an instrument through which human evolution can be quickened," Sri Yukteswar explained to his students. "The ancient yogis discovered that the secret of cosmic consciousness is intimately linked with breath mastery. This is India's unique and deathless contribution to the world's treasury of knowledge. The life force, which is ordinarily absorbed in maintaining the heart-pump, must be freed for higher activities by a method of calming and stilling the ceaseless demands of the breath.

The Kriya Yogi mentally directs his life energy to revolve, upward and downward, around the six spinal centers (medullary, cervical, dorsal, lumbar, sacral, and coccygeal plexuses) which correspond to the twelve astral signs of the zodiac, the symbolic Cosmic Man. One-half minute of revolution of energy around the sensitive spinal cord of man effects subtle progress in his evolution; that half-minute of Kriya equals one year of natural spiritual unfoldment.

The astral system of a human being, with six (twelve by polarity) inner constellations revolving around the sun of the omniscient spiritual eye, is interrelated with the physical sun and the twelve zodiacal signs. All men are thus affected by an inner and an outer universe. The ancient rishis discovered that man's earthly and heavenly environment, in twelve-year cycles, push him forward on his natural path. The scriptures aver that man requires a million years of normal, diseaseless evolution to perfect his human brain sufficiently to express cosmic consciousness.

One thousand Kriya practiced in eight hours gives the yogi, in one day, the equivalent of one thousand years of natural evolution: 365,000 years of evolution in one year. In three years, a Kriya Yogi can thus accomplish by intelligent self-effort the same result which nature brings to pass in a million years. The Kriya short cut, of course, can be taken only by deeply developed yogis. With the guidance of a guru, such yogis have carefully prepared their bodies and brains to receive the power created by intensive practice.

The Kriya beginner employs his yogic exercise only fourteen to twenty-eight times, twice daily. A number of yogis achieve emancipation in six or twelve or twenty-four or forty-eight years. A yogi who dies before achieving full realization carries with him the good karma of his past Kriya effort; in his new life he is harmoniously propelled toward his Infinite Goal.

The body of the average man is like a fifty-watt lamp, which cannot accommodate the billion watts of power roused by an excessive practice of Kriya. Through gradual and regular increase of the simple and "foolproof" methods of Kriya, man's body becomes astrally transformed day by day, and is finally fitted to express the infinite potentials of cosmic energy- the first materially active expression of Spirit.

Kriya Yoga has nothing in common with the unscientific breathing exercises taught by a number of misguided zealots. Their attempts to forcibly hold breath in the lungs is not only unnatural but decidedly unpleasant. Kriya, on the other hand, is accompanied from the very beginning by an accession of peace, and by soothing sensations of regenerative effect in the spine.

The ancient yogic technique converts the breath into mind. By spiritual advancement, one is able to cognise the breath as an act of mind-- a dream-breath.

Many illustrations could be given of the mathematical relationship between man's respiratory rate and the variations in his states of consciousness. A person whose attention is wholly engrossed, as in following some closely knit intellectual argument, or in attempting some delicate or difficult physical feat, automatically breathes slowly. Fixity of attention depends on slow breathing; quick or uneven breaths are an inevitable accompaniment of harmful emotional states: fear, lust, anger. The restless monkey breathes at the rate of 32 times a minute, in contrast to man's average of 18 times. The elephant, tortoise, snake and other animals noted for their longevity have a respiratory rate which is less than man's. The tortoise, for instance, who may attain the age of 300 years, breathes only 4 times per minute.

The rejuvenating effects of sleep are due to man's temporary unawareness of body and breathing. The sleeping man becomes a yogi; each night he unconsciously performs the yogic rite of releasing himself from bodily identification, and of merging the life force with healing currents in the main brain region and the six sub-dynamos of his spinal centers. The sleeper thus dips unknowingly into the reservoir of cosmic energy which sustains all life.

The voluntary yogi performs a simple, natural process consciously, not unconsciously like the slow-paced sleeper. The Kriya Yogi uses his technique to saturate and feed all his physical cells with undecaying light and keep them in a magnetized state. He scientifically makes breath unnecessary, without producing the states of subconscious sleep or unconsciousness.

By Kriya, the outgoing life force is not wasted and abused in the senses, but constrained to reunite with subtler spinal energies. By such reinforcement of life, the yogi's body and brain cells are electrified with the spiritual elixir. Thus he removes himself from studied observance of natural laws, which can only take him-- by circuitous means as given by proper food, sunlight, and harmonious thoughts-- to a million-year Goal. It needs twelve years of normal healthful living to effect even slight perceptible change in brain structure, and a million solar returns are exacted to sufficiently refine the cerebral tenement for manifestation of cosmic consciousness.

Untying the cord of breath which binds the soul to the body, Kriya serves to prolong life and enlarge the consciousness to infinity. The contemplative mind, attempting its return to divinity, is constantly dragged back toward the senses by the life currents. Kriya, controlling the mind directly through the life force, is the easiest, most effective, and most scientific avenue of approach to the Infinite. In contrast to the slow, uncertain "bullock cart" theological path to God, Kriya may justly be called the "airplane" route.

The yogic science is based on an empirical consideration of all forms of concentration and meditation exercises. Yoga enables the devotee to switch off or on, at will, life current from the five sense telephones of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Attaining this power of sense-disconnection, the yogi finds it simple to unite his mind at will with divine realms or with the world of matter. No longer is he unwillingly brought back by the life force to the mundane sphere of rowdy sensations and restless thoughts. Master of his body and mind, the Kriya Yogi ultimately achieves victory over the "last enemy," death.

So shalt thou feed on Death, that feeds on men:
And Death once dead, there's no more dying then.
--Shakespeare: Sonnet #146

The life of an advanced Kriya Yogi is influenced, not by effects of past actions, but solely by directions from the soul. The devotee thus avoids the slow, evolutionary monitors of egoistic actions, good and bad, of common life, cumbrous and snail-like to the eagle hearts.

The superior method of soul living frees the yogi who, shorn of his ego-prison, tastes the deep air of omnipresence. The thralldom of natural living is, in contrast, set in a pace humiliating. Conforming his life to the evolutionary order, a man can command no concessionary haste from nature but, living without error against the laws of his physical and mental endowment, still requires about a million years of incarnating masquerades to know final emancipation.

The telescopic methods of yogis, disengaging themselves from physical and mental identifications in favor of soul-individuality, thus commend themselves to those who eye with revolt a thousand thousand years. This numerical periphery is enlarged for the ordinary man, who lives in harmony not even with nature, let alone his soul, but pursues instead unnatural complexities, thus offending in his body and thoughts the sweet sanities of nature. For him, two times a million years can scarce suffice for liberation.

Gross man seldom or never realises that his body is a kingdom, governed by Emperor Soul on the throne of the cranium, with subsidiary regents in the six spinal centers or spheres of consciousness. This theocracy extends over a throng of obedient subjects: twenty-seven thousand billion cells-- endowed with a sure if automatic intelligence by which they perform all duties of bodily growths, transformations, and dissolutions-- and fifty million substratal thoughts, emotions, and variations of alternating phases in man's consciousness in an average life of sixty years. Any apparent insurrection of bodily or cerebral cells toward Emperor Soul, manifesting as disease or depression, is due to no disloyalty among the humble citizens, but to past or present misuse by man of his individuality or free will, given to him simultaneous with a soul, and revocable never.

Identifying himself with a shallow ego, man takes for granted that it is he who thinks, wills, feels, digests meals, and keeps himself alive, never admitting through reflection (only a little would suffice!) that in his ordinary life he is naught but a puppet of past actions (karma) and of nature or environment. Each man's intellectual reactions, feelings, moods, and habits are circumscribed by effects of past causes, whether of this or a prior life. Lofty above such influences, however, is his regal soul. Spurning the transitory truths and freedoms, the Kriya Yogi passes beyond all disillusionment into his unfettered Being. All scriptures declare man to be not a corruptible body, but a living soul; by Kriya he is given a method to prove the scriptural truth.

"Outward ritual cannot destroy ignorance, because they are not mutually contradictory," wrote Shankara in his famous Century of Verses. "Realised knowledge alone destroys ignorance. . . .Knowledge cannot spring up by any other means than inquiry. 'Who am I? How was this universe born? Who is its maker? What is its material cause?' This is the kind of inquiry referred to." The intellect has no answer for these questions; hence the rishis evolved yoga as the technique of spiritual inquiry.

My Boyfriend

I find myself saying many a times that there is nothing between us as such.. and maybe it has a lot to do with distance..

Or, is it that things are just so aligned that I'm simply taking too many things for granted?

For it to be so-called 'something' would it perhaps mean a stirring, something different that one strongly feels and is made to feel at all times or so the soaps show.. In that case what comes to mind is the calm, the strength, the focus that I seem to have settled into and continue to feel strongly once he entered my life cognizantly.

Now, what are the things I am taking for granted-

One, that he totally gets my rant and passion for social issues and raises no question whatsoever on it because his level is way beyond mine in it so it's almost a non issue and in essence he lets me be and comes along to calm me down when I go overboard with my rage and drop down in rare moments to abusing.

Two, he listens to and accepts decisions I make without trying to exercise any control whatsoever and occasionally cajoles me into a decision when I am confused.

Three, he very softly shows that he cares by checking on me daily in different ways and really trying his bit to make me feel better when I'm upset about anything.

Four, he is honest about his own state at all times thus keeping it very real right from the beginning and in every moment.

Five, he doesn't show aversion towards family and despite any discomfort he may have being the introvert he is, he has always gone out of his way to water that contact.

Six, he makes it a point to give doses of sensuality on and off and he is very funny and charming when he does that! It's a great reminder of all the possibilities we can explore when together.

Seven, he is his own person with his own unique thoughts and insights so deep that they bore into a whole different world that is so much more transparent, open and loving.

Eight, he does not limit his care to a few set of people only but makes it a point to show his concern for even the remotest person who may be suffering.

Nine, his communication. This won me over right at the beginning. He never leaves me wondering about his absence if at any point he is to be unavailable except when he is very ill in which case I reserve the liberty to contact his brother. This matters so much because I have to barely waste my energy or time just wondering why he may be unreachable.

Ten, I love his voice. When he speaks, it is like Assurance Itself manifest resonating somewhere deep within. I am guilty of many a times only enjoying his voice so much that I miss grasping the content of what he speaks in its entirety.

Now that I have started noting it all down, there are countless little things that are arising to the surface that show me what keeps me drawn to him so strongly despite my little self thinking otherwise when in times of distraught disconnect. There are the things he has really worked on at his end that initially annoyed me no end. Then there are the ways he works around my own eccentricities and limitations instead of blaming or shaming me for them. There is also the fact that I do not feel inhibited to express my anger or frustration at him and strangely I have never done that before with anyone because somehow I felt it would crush the other person but I am easing up on this bit in general now. Then there is the knowing that in order to be able to be with him, I don't have a sense of any kind of separation required from my own family or the world. And then, at no instance has he tried to control or manipulate me into worrying about who I talk to or interact with or meet. Such are the things which are so easy to overlook because my individuality and sense of freedom has somehow stayed intact and even become enhanced alongwith having a sense of belonging with him. There is something or the other to work on for sure and becoming aware of these privileges I hold, I hope I can do as much and more for him too.

So, it is true, that we indeed do not have much between us as per the unrealistic standards set by films and soaps and dreamy desires of our societal adolescent selves but I was wrong or let's say it was my perception that was misplaced. In reality, we have a lot going on in a direction very true and in the most real way possible which we can call our own. I could not have asked for anything better than this particularly unique moment of time and space. Thank you!

SEGOA

To root one with one's most truest self
To root one with one's most real self
To root one with one's most honest self
So that in authenticity, we may be