I find myself saying many a times that there is nothing between us as such.. and maybe it has a lot to do with distance..
Or, is it that things are just so aligned that I'm simply taking too many things for granted?
For it to be so-called 'something' would it perhaps mean a stirring, something different that one strongly feels and is made to feel at all times or so the soaps show.. In that case what comes to mind is the calm, the strength, the focus that I seem to have settled into and continue to feel strongly once he entered my life cognizantly.
Now, what are the things I am taking for granted-
One, that he totally gets my rant and passion for social issues and raises no question whatsoever on it because his level is way beyond mine in it so it's almost a non issue and in essence he lets me be and comes along to calm me down when I go overboard with my rage and drop down in rare moments to abusing.
Two, he listens to and accepts decisions I make without trying to exercise any control whatsoever and occasionally cajoles me into a decision when I am confused.
Three, he very softly shows that he cares by checking on me daily in different ways and really trying his bit to make me feel better when I'm upset about anything.
Four, he is honest about his own state at all times thus keeping it very real right from the beginning and in every moment.
Five, he doesn't show aversion towards family and despite any discomfort he may have being the introvert he is, he has always gone out of his way to water that contact.
Six, he makes it a point to give doses of sensuality on and off and he is very funny and charming when he does that! It's a great reminder of all the possibilities we can explore when together.
Seven, he is his own person with his own unique thoughts and insights so deep that they bore into a whole different world that is so much more transparent, open and loving.
Eight, he does not limit his care to a few set of people only but makes it a point to show his concern for even the remotest person who may be suffering.
Nine, his communication. This won me over right at the beginning. He never leaves me wondering about his absence if at any point he is to be unavailable except when he is very ill in which case I reserve the liberty to contact his brother. This matters so much because I have to barely waste my energy or time just wondering why he may be unreachable.
Ten, I love his voice. When he speaks, it is like Assurance Itself manifest resonating somewhere deep within. I am guilty of many a times only enjoying his voice so much that I miss grasping the content of what he speaks in its entirety.
Now that I have started noting it all down, there are countless little things that are arising to the surface that show me what keeps me drawn to him so strongly despite my little self thinking otherwise when in times of distraught disconnect. There are the things he has really worked on at his end that initially annoyed me no end. Then there are the ways he works around my own eccentricities and limitations instead of blaming or shaming me for them. There is also the fact that I do not feel inhibited to express my anger or frustration at him and strangely I have never done that before with anyone because somehow I felt it would crush the other person but I am easing up on this bit in general now. Then there is the knowing that in order to be able to be with him, I don't have a sense of any kind of separation required from my own family or the world. And then, at no instance has he tried to control or manipulate me into worrying about who I talk to or interact with or meet. Such are the things which are so easy to overlook because my individuality and sense of freedom has somehow stayed intact and even become enhanced alongwith having a sense of belonging with him. There is something or the other to work on for sure and becoming aware of these privileges I hold, I hope I can do as much and more for him too.
So, it is true, that we indeed do not have much between us as per the unrealistic standards set by films and soaps and dreamy desires of our societal adolescent selves but I was wrong or let's say it was my perception that was misplaced. In reality, we have a lot going on in a direction very true and in the most real way possible which we can call our own. I could not have asked for anything better than this particularly unique moment of time and space. Thank you!